Sunny Bench

There is something that unmistakably sets me apart as being from the Midwest out here in LA. I smile and make eye contact with people in passing, even if we are strangers. Today, while waiting for the metro, I walked along the Lake station platform, passing the shaded seats for a preference to enjoy the beautiful day's sunshine hitting the furthest bench. Someone else apparently had a preference for sunshine, or perhaps wanted to avoid sitting by others, which would be quite LA like, but they only occupied one side of my sunny destination, leaving room for me to sit on the other half.

As I approached, I could sense a little tension. I don't think the black woman sitting on the bench expected anyone to join her. To ease the slight feelings of hostility and keep to keep things cordial, I gave my Midwestern quick flash of eye contact, with a smile, and slight nod of the head. I've seen quite a spectrum of reactions to this Midwestern customary practice since living in LA, ranging from people feeling awkwardly caught of guard and giving a puzzled smile back, to not acknowledging the gesture at all. This woman's reaction managed to take ME a little off guard. She immediately relaxed and her gaze went from suspicion to more trusting. To be honest, I was relieved and pleasantly surprised it had such an affect.

I took to my side of the bench, and over the sound of traffic on the highway in front and behind us, I could hear a sigh as the woman's full sized shoulders relaxed. She even let out a little chuckle. I was starting to wonder with all the relief I sensed coming from her if maybe she thought I had been strolling down the platform with a knife in hand, instead of my shoulder bag stuffed with innocent items like school books? My curiosity was increasing.

She said, "You know when I saw you walking down here I thought... well, you don't want to know what I was thinking..." She chuckled again, then told a story about what happened to her at a bus stop earlier in the morning. Her metro pass had been stolen, swiped by a Latino guy, and according to her, "I should look out for those metro pass thieves!" Apparently they are lurking at most stations, and bus stops.

She continued on, after her pass was stolen, she tried to board the bus with an explanation to the driver. The driver didn't seem to be buying it, then a "white guy, who had no business butting in," at the front of the bus, started chiming in against her, taking sides with the bus driver. Even though the story was somewhat scattered and hard for me to follow, as she seemed to be re-telling it more for her own sake to get the weight off her chest, she clearly emphasized that some harsh words were flying like nasty hornets between all three of them. The situation was certainly charged to say the least.

As I listened, I quietly began to conclude what bothered her even more than being the victim of a pick pocket. It was the "white guy" joining against her. The heart of it was that she felt judged as a black person by a white person.

She thanked me for letting her talk about it all, and from that point on we had a warm conversation. I learned that she had been a chef by trade, lost one-hundred pounds in the last year, was a single mother of three grown children, and I even saw pictures of them; like a good and loving mother she kept them in her purse. She learned quite a bit about me too. When I told her I was finally going to school to get my bachelors, she seemed surprised that I was a twenty-nine year old white girl without a college degree.

She said, "Even my daughter has her bachelors. Now, you can do it girl!"

I wasn't sure if I should take her tone to be honest criticism or encouragement, but I just politely smiled and took it as the later. Before long, the metro pulled up and we went our separate ways, but not before shaking hands, exchanging names, and mutually sharing, "it was so nice to meet you."

As I sat down for my ride to Del Mar station, where I would soon get off for a hair salon appointment, I realized that a small miracle had just taken place along my urban adventure. I still don't know exactly what the woman thought I had up my sleeve, as I initially approached her and the bench. But, I do know that as I approached her, she was still trying to shake degrading feelings of judgment from someone white, like me. Regardless, I couldn't help but feel that a little more fear and prejudice had just melted away for both of us on the sunny bench. Certainly today was one of those days a little sunshine did some good.

Belonging to My Church and Neighbors

I found myself sitting in a room last Friday night in an unusual setting. Ten women including myself were gathered in a cozy living living room, all of them neighbors, and none of them attend my church. Edith Piaf's voice was serenading us over the speakers as we sipped on sparkling beverages and nibbled on delicious permission bread cakes, cheese and crackers with figs, little pumpkin treats, and flourless chocolate cake slices. The tones of chit chat conversation flowed easily between us, though most of us knew little, if anything about one another.

What may seem a typical room of gathered women, for me, was not so typical. As I sat enjoying myself with these strangers, I realized that I've never gathered in any kind of intentional small group that wasn't based on common faith or an extension of a church small group. And, I have never been in a room with so many of my neighbors at the same time. I'm not sure what that says about me? Regardless, it was a new experience that I was intrigued by and welcomed.

I ran into Rebecca on a Saturday afternoon. Joel and I were still living on 518 North Madison and were ready to prepare our lovely flower beds for the winter. I was tired of cheap Target plants and decided to try an actual nursery, where I might find ranunculus bulbs to pop up in the spring, or iceland poppy seeds. Rebecca, not much older than myself gave us some of the best green thumb help and advice, and by the end of our flower transaction we were also finding a bit of friendship. We exchnaged numbers, as she lived literally just around the corner and had a husband named Matt, about Joel's age. That was how Rebecca and Matt came into our picture about two and a half years ago.

Rebecca has quite a whim for creativity and in her desire to bring the wonderful women of Pasadena that she knows scattered here and there together, sent an invitation for a "Ladie's Salon" (to be renamed by the group according to what they would like). Different than a book club, the "Salon" is more or less like a topic club.

Each of us brought something to share. A poem, a magazine article, book, one person even brought a biology article, some had personl stories, and I brought possibly my favorite book of all time, for sure my favorite children's book: "Are You My Mother?" by P.D. Eastman. I have this love for baby birds, so delicate and dependent. There really is nothing like holding a little fuzzy in your hands. I picture God holding me in his safe hands, when I think back to the little birds I encountered as a child and held in my hands. In the story, little bird is born and falls out of the nest. He runs into a myriad of characters from a kitten, to a dog, an airplane and even a "snort" (yes, a snort). If you do not know what a snort is, then you will have to read it. What I like best about the snort is that it's the most terrible and scary experience for the little bird in search of his mother, but it's also the experience that reunites little bird with his mom, his home and place of belonging.

Belonging was the topic for the night. Quite a topic to ponder, especially for those of us who call LA home. It's amazing, all weekend I have thought about belonging more than ever before and have gained new perspective. I feel a little more at home in Pasadena with these new freinds and neighbors I will see at the Salon every month, and bit more like I belong here in this time and place. I'm thankful for my church community, it will never be replaced. I'm thankful for my neighbors, and I hope I see my neighbors more than once a month when we gather for our topic. These two seperate worlds somehow are making me feel less divided, but actually more satisfied and something is right about it. I welcome this new experience and belonging to my neighbors in a way that I never have before.

Andy Widman

I wish I could be at Andy Widman's funeral. He was a very dear friend to me in highschool. I'm so glad to hear how the city of Fort Meyers and especially the police department, is honoring Andy and stepping up to be there for his family. More than anything I just wish I could see his sister Abby (also a good friend from high school) and give her a hug. I really can't even imagine how crushed she must be. I wish I could hug and cry with Joe, his dad and Marty, his mom. A wonderful couple that encouraged me at countless cross country and track meets, as well as all the cheerleading events and just in life, in general. They were always a couple that knew how to love thier kids and how to even care for thier kid's friends, like me.

I found out last night that Andy was shot while serving as a police officer in Florida. I didn't realize he became an officer a little more than a year ago. His missionary funding didn't come through and so he was taking a more stable career path. I'm sure his relationship with the mission field wasn't over, it just seemed to be on hold. Andy and I both cared about missions and talked about it quite a bit.

He also loved reptiles and biology. I remember him thinking maybe Brazil would be a good place to do missions. I think he was drawn to it because of all the reptiles there in the jungles:) Adventure never really scared Andy, it was more invigorating to him. Andy's love for reptiles really had a-lot to do with his appreciation for living things. He was was kind and respectful of all little critters and creation in general, which I believe is very telling about a person. I remember when this guy in Andy's highschool class threw little crawdads from a near by creek up in the air and hit them with a bat. I was crying my eyes out and feeling shocked that someone was cold enough to do that. Most people would have thought I was over-reacting (I was and still am a bit sensitive to any form of cruelty) but Andy didn't make me feel dumb for crying so hard. He confronted his classmate, saved the rest of the crawdads and told me that he was going to make sure that didn't happen to the crawdads in the creek again.

I also remember him showing me his iguana. We had a brotherly/ sisterly friendship and we always went to highschool formals together because we knew it would just be fun and there would be no wierd romantic pressure. When he pulled his iguana out, it took a look at my brighly colored, delicious flower corsage and took a big bite out of it. We laughed so hard!

I've been out of touch with Andy for a little while but I knew that he was raising funds for missions. Last week I just thought of Andy and his wife out of the blue and was thinking how I wanted to give something toward his missionary efforts if he was still needing support. When I originally got the letter, my husband, Joel, was an MDiv Seminarian (like Andy once was) and the cash flow was tight. I was going to dig through old papers to find a support letter I got from him a few years ago. I just knew that whatever Andy was doing for God's kingdom would be solid, intelligent, and effective. He was someone I believed in and I wanted to support him and his family on the mission field. Then... such sad news.

Andy cared about little creatures and God's creation but Andy especially cared for others. His heart was big for people. He knew how to be a true friend. The effect that his friendship had on me was actually quite important through my highschool years. He taught me about acceptance and about not showing partiality, to love people as they are regardless of thier popularity, appearance, or complexity. I watched Andy listen to and provide real strength and support for many of his guy freinds. He had a way of helping his friends through hard times. Andy also showed me personally tremendous respect. When I think about how impressionable a girl can be in highschool and how important it is that they have guy friends that treat them with value and respect, I know Andy's friendship was a real gift to me in that way. How many guy friends from highschool can you actually say made you feel more valuable as a person? I think it's because Andy loved God, and wasn't self seeking. He was like a true brother.

Andy ran cross country with me and my brother, Aaron. I can't even count the number of times I yelled "GO ANDY"! I think Aaron's legs were three times as long as Andy's, but he knew how to give Aaron a run for the money. They had a neat comradery and would push eachother. He was determined. He had perseverance. I can still picture his hair flopping and that tired but determined cross country look. He had lots of energy and a light hearted, fun outlook on life. He knew what mattered in life, but he still had fun and laughed. Us cross country folk where a tight nit group led by our wonderful leader, friend, teacher, and coach: Mr. Rabb. I think cross country for all us was a valuable life-lesson sport. I can still hear Andy cheering me on too out on the grassy courses every Saturday morning each fall.

Andy was so kind to me. I remember when a group of us friends were together and just to be silly, we started drinking poppy seed dressing....ummmm yeah, we were a bunch of Christian kids who had to spice up life somehow:) Later we were all at the rec center in Bowling Green and the dressing wasn't settling so well with me. I tried to make it to the bathroom, but didn't. I threw up before reaching the toilet and got it all over me too. Andy didn't mock me or say I smelled or anything. He just made sure I was ok and took me home smelly and all.

I know I'm sharing highschool stories, but Andy made a hudge impression on me then. I know as he went off to Tocoa Falls he carried all the wonderful values he had with him and kept honing all his skills for God's kingdom. I remember when he met Susanna and how excited he was to literally find a soul mate that he would adventure into the future with. I knew Susanna was a trememdous person just by the fact that Andy picked her and that she loved God with all her heart. I was sad that I couldn't make it to the wedding. I was excited for him as he went to Seminary. It was so fitting for Andy.

I think of the kind of son Andy was, the good brother, the husband. I have no doubt he loved Susanna with every inch of his being and laid down his life for her, and I know without even seeing him first hand with his children that he was a hands on dad, an encourager. His dad is that way and I know he was passing that on to his kids. Every where Andy went, he built up those around him. He was the type of guy that really our world needs. He was an all too rare example for how men should be in this confused culture and age. His life is a tremendous loss in so many ways. I hope to meet his kids some day. I hope they will know the legacy thier dad had and will want to serve the Lord too. I hope they will sense what an incredible guy thier dad was and know how honorable he was.

So now I think I've been crying my eyes our for almost 24 hours. I still fell like I have so many more tears. It's just incredibly sad. I really love the Widman family. They will be in my constant thoughts. They are so dear. I'm so sad this happened to thier family.... well I just wanted to share about Andy. There is sooooo much more to share, but I'm glad to have this blog to share with others, especially since I won't be at the funeral tomorrow. Andy is someone that absolutely should be remembered. I will be remembering him for years and years to come!

My Birthday Gift of Soul Food

My birthday was special for many reasons, but in particular it was special because I had the joy of serving food at the Lord's Lighthouse. It's a brief service followed by a meal every Sunday afternoon for the homeless at my church. Joel and I teamed up. He would hold the tray of plates and I would pass them out.

Before the food was served Aimee, a long time volunteer and beautifully open hearted woman, spoke to the group of 200 concerning Jesus' saying "I am the bread of life". It's a message that could have sounded trite to a group of people so aware of their lack, and desperate need, but she addressed them as friends. Many of them truly are her friends and not just a "ministry project". God's presence of love was tangible in the room as she spoke from her heart, which was ultimately God's heart. The message was not one bit insensitive, but literally made me feel that the deepest parts of my very soul and longings were being filled with Christ. By the rapt attention Aimee easily held for twenty minutes and the looks on faces across the room, I knew the souls of the homeless were also being fed.

There is no place I would have rather been on my birthday. In the tangible presence of God. God's presence was filling my soul and the soul and needs of those around me. I felt alive and happy. To me it was special that my first time serving at the Lord's Lighthouse marked the end of a rather hard, transitional year, but the beginning of a new year. And I believe it's also telling, that my new year will be filled with serving the Lord in ways which I have longed to and with gifts I have been waiting to share. I will be returning to the Lord's Lighthouse again and again with an open heart of worship, working hands, and perhaps in the near future, a guitar, and some songs written for those broken and needing Christ to fill their souls, myself included. I think the Lord's Lighthouse coordinator is open to that.

Praise the King Today

Today is Palm Sunday. It means more to me this Sunday than in the past because Joel and I started following the Christian calendar this year. Now we are more focused on the themes. It really struck me that Jesus is King and I'm compelled to praise him as I think of everything he is worthy to be praised for.

Joel gave the sermon today at church. It just seems right, when he is preaching. It brings both of us joy.

We are getting ready for some transitions. We are stepping out of leading worship at the Vineyard as we look at ministry jobs for Joel. I'm not sure what our church community will look like over the next months, which is just a bit unsettling. We have our hopes that Hollywood will work out in the end, but we are on the ride of waiting and wondering right now.

My end of the quarter R&B performance is Tuesday, so that will wrap up another quarter. I never thought I would enjoy studying and singing R&B, but the old stuff has gems of singing with soul! I have learned so much from the licks, ad-libs and feel, staying in the pocket (rhythm of the song). I've gained so much from studying "true" R&B (I'm not talking about the modern hip hop stuff). I feel like it's added more color and texture to my voice.

I'm starting to write some of my own songs and giving that some attention. It's amazing to me when I realize, I can actually hear something in my head and write the sheet music out so other musicians can understand it and play it. I can't do it as quickly as I hope to in the future. It takes me a while, but I've finally begun. I have that tool in my bag to pull out now:)

I'm not completely sure what will come out as I write, but I'm not going to worry about it, I'll just let it be what it is. The song I'm working on now is actually rather serious and has a bit of blues feel. I think of myself as being someone who writes about the many seasons of the soul. There are hard grieving seasons, so this song will probably relate to that best.

Fantastic & Much Needed Weekend!

It would be criminal to stay indoors. These are my favorite months. God's completely necessary grace comes to us all in different ways, and I am convinced that grace in my life lately is most shinning in the fresh warm sun and spring blossoms.

LA seems smaller after Joel's triathlon, it's a unique community of people that make up this place! We met some of the nicest people while Joel competed his heart out for the benefit of World Vision. It was a wonderful day at the Rose Bowl!

Thanks to all who are praying as Joel continues on the path to an "official" ministry job. We don't really know which church we will be calling home, and have worn a bit with the ups and downs, but each new day we put on our trust in God and find rest that he has a good plan for our lives. Please keep praying.

We met with Aunt Suzy and cousin Holly for some Italian at Holly's little find in Brentwood. We love our family and are always up for visits, it was a wonderful time! We also got excited for Justin as we met for coffee and heard how God is bringing things together for his amazing work to take place in Africa.